if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
two words...techno handjob
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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