why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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