I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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