dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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