Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
tonight lets celebrate not being married
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
