mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
