Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
