To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
