Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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