update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
as a side note pls kill me
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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