if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
