I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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