Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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