and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
