All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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