i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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