best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
