he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize