I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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