he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize