My sheets look like a crime scene.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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