i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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