Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
