Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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