explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
