If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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