I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
