So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
