you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
