Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
