Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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