If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wish my penis had a tongue
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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