i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize