people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
