Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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