Your favorite bartender is back from prision
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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