Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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