dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
