I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
