Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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