Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
