Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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