"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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