If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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