I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
