You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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