the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
