So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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