It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Need sex. Gaining weight.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
