i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
