remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
