I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
