Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dicks are not precious.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize