And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
