I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
