Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
