I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
