I didn't shave. On purpose
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
